A change would do you good...

Well, the weekend’s over...yay. I don’t really know where to start today. There is such a struggle going on inside of me right now. Yesterday, I went to Catherine’s to get some new work pants, because two pair of mine have holes in them. I found some that I thought I’d like and tried on a size larger than I used to wear, but the same size as my denim capris I’ve worn all summer. Too small...TOO...SMALL. A size 30 was too small. I finally found the kind I wear now in the size I wear (4X). But, I was mad. Mad that I’m not 240 lbs anymore. Mad that I can’t wear cute clothes. Mad that I let myself get back into this condition. Mad that I went to the extreme of gastric bypass surgery, and I failed at that, just like every other program I’ve ever used to lose weight. I didn’t fail at the programs and WLS. I failed at sticking with it. I failed at having some self control. I failed at not giving in to my self-centered, instant gratification loving self. Yes, I’m beating myself up, but it’s necessary. I need to focus on my health and being here for the long haul to the best of my ability. I’ve never been one to give everything my all, I’m lazy. I like doing the least amount possible to get approval. I quit college for a while. I quit classes (several of them), took incompletes and never finished them. I’ve left loose ends at work in the past. I start books and never finish them. I start sewing projects and never finish them. *Time-Out: I DID finish all of our wedding planning, and it turned out great.* I’ve started diet programs and quit. I’ve undergone WLS and quit doing what I was supposed to in order to lose weight and keep it off. I see a pattern here. This makes me feel really bad about myself, but I’m changing that TODAY, right NOW. No more excuses, no more giving in to my demons. I need to be accountable to someone, someone tough but loving, and not get mad at them when all they’re trying to do is what I asked them to do - kick my ass when needed. I ate cheddar rounds today...why? I had 2% cheese and multigrain crackers here at work. Because I wanted them. I wanted to do what wasn’t allowed. I wanted satisfaction and instant gratification. That’s why I did the WLS. That was “way quicker than usual” gratification with my body.

Steven loves me, I know he does, but doesn’t he deserve to have a knock-out wife? Don’t we deserve normalcy, the same things others enjoy? It’s not his fault, and it’s not my fault. It’s just the facts of being an overweight couple. I want to be able to go on roller coasters with him. I want to go swimming with his family and not be embarrassed. I want to walk into a store and know that if people look at me, it’s not because I’m huge. I want to look at pictures of myself and not think, “OMG, look at your arms!” or “Look at your size!” I want to eat in a restaurant and not dread sitting in a booth. I think I’ve almost become numb to these things, but I remember, when I’d lost down to my smallest with WLS, I could fold one leg under me and sit in a booth. I want that back! I want to be able to buy pants and skirts off the rack at Wal-Mart. I want to feel pretty, cute and young, like I used to. God and my surgeon gave me the gift of being able to feel all these things, and I just threw it back. I came through with flying colors and lost like crazy. What a waste. I’m 32 and healthy, but this is going to catch up with me if I don’t do something now. I’m almost in tears, and if I weren’t at work, I would be in tears.

I went to a gym today and checked on membership with one that has a pool and offers water aerobics. We used to go through the city’s adult ed program, but it’s been phased out. They offer free tanning with a 3-year membership, woohoo! It brings back bad memories, because this was a point of contention between Jeff and I. I felt like he was bossing me around to go and felt like it hung over my head that he was paying for it, and I had to go. But, I think it will be different with Steven. I think us going together and doing water aerobics (which I actually enjoy), and him not pushing me and pushing me to do more, like what I did wasn’t enough, will be much better. We really can’t afford it, but we have to do this.